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26.4.20

How Staying at Home made me feel less confident

On a sunny Sunday afternoon, as I was ready to enjoy yet another day staying safe at home, scrolling through Instagram turned out to be the worst mistake I could do. Pictures of people enjoying their social-distancing quarantine, having great healthy breakfasts, wearing nothing but shorts and bras, working out every chance they get. As I was there, laying on the couch, wearing my old pajamas I hadn't left in two days, I was wondering if even during a pandemic, there was a good way to stay at home.



I wish I had read what I’m about to write. I wish someone had shared their story about how difficult it is to love and accept yourself and your body in such difficult times. But as I scrolled through the dark woods of Instagram, I realized that no one would share anything but photographs of how they’re enjoying this time of self-preservation and self-care.

As I was trying to navigate through the fact that Instagram isn't real life, I got a daily reminder that no I wasn't enjoying this quarantine like I should be. When my days were resumed to waking up, work, coffee, lunch, work, dinner, TV, I had the weird sense that I should be doing more.

If feeling bad about my lack of productivity wasn't enough, looking at myself in the mirror was not an easy task to do. The whole no-makeup look that I imposed on my face, and the lack of flat belly and slim legs, were screaming unflattering and I started to believe it.



Forcing myself to wake up early, work out, and find other activities to occupy my time off work, skipping meals, not eating when I was hungry, I was back to my old habits. After 30 days of daily yoga practice, I thought that everything was going to change. I was ready to feel better about myself, slimmer, happier, less-stressed... Better. But none of this happened, I still had this feeling of self-loathing cause all I could see was the way people were living their social-distancing, happily and positively. 

I felt heavy, empty, loathing the way I look and hating the way I felt. I refused to stay in pajamas any longer. I didn't understand how people were able to do so much while stuck at home, or how they had the energy to accomplish the simple act of getting dressed. I didn't feel depressed, I was annoyed. Annoyed to have to stay inside, negative as I've never felt before, tired and lazy. 


One evening, as I was taking a shower after my daily work-out session, I was rinsing off the sweats and the negativity. A yoga practice that teaches you self-love and gratefulness was useless if you weren't feeling good about yourself. 

I quickly realized that my staying home didn't have to be the same stay as other people. I found peace in activities that made me happy. I found happiness in small gestures and a daily routine that was respectful of me, on my own terms. I got back on the right track, and find joy in those times of social-distancing. It took me 30 days, but at least I got some kind of confidence back. 

Love,

Elsa. 

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