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3.10.16

Acceptance

Paris, France
Hey there,

As a lot of people in this world, I have lots of insecurities. A huge part of my insecurities is my body. The truth is I've never considered myself pretty, I never thought I was pretty and I had, and still have, a really hard time accepting compliments from anyone. At school, I was never the pretty kid, I was the nerd one, the "intellectual" one, the one that spent her recess at the school library. People would make fun of me because I was really into fashion but this passion didn't really translate into my wardrobe for awhile.


I've always been a shy person, really introvert, really anxious, really timid, I would not go talk to people on my own, and as a kid, I would pretty much hide behind my mom at any social occasions. I cared, and still do, a lot about what other people might think of me, and I thought that if I played "Plain Jane", things would go smoothly for me. Funny enough, it was quite the opposite. From 6th to 8th grade, people would make fun of the way I dressed, they would compare my curly hair to a poodle's hair, and they would make fun of me because I was wearing glasses and braces. 


I was frequently compared to Ugly Betty. In fact, at that time a german show was on TV, basically the german version of Ugly Betty, and the main character on the show was named Lisa. People would sing the theme show to me on the hallways replacing the name Lisa, by Elsa. When I finally decided to put myself together, and changed the way I dressed, it didn't go unnoticed. People would make fun of me because I was changing, and trying to be the "cool kid". At the same time I started developing an eating disorder, that I still kind of cary. Not a drastic one, not a really dangerous one, but still unhealthy, and bad. I just have really bad eating habits, and at that time, I would frequently skip a meal or eat less because I was terrified of gaining weights, and it does still happen. 


Things got worse in high school. I was fully aware of the fact that I wasn't the pretty one, and I was hanging out with people that I kept comparing myself to. So I changed my style, started wearing only small heeled boots, wearing makeup, started hanging out with more people, and I didn't do so great at school. I was really self conscious. Things escalated pretty quickly when I got into my first serious relationship. As I said, I never felt like I was pretty, and nobody would tell me I was pretty, objectively I would say. People would sometimes made fun of my figure and I didn't react well to it. I stayed in this relationship for 6 months, and was treated like nothing but crap. This guy I was with, never made me felt pretty, for the most part, he made me feel very much insecure.


Getting into business school, things were not pretty at first. I ended up in an environment with very trendy and pretty girls, all very skinny, so the comparison got worst, and my eating habits got worst, because I'm a student and my schedule do not really allow me to have a proper healthy life. When I was in Dublin, I was so scared I was going to gain weights, I worked out, and had very bad eating habits. I was aware of it, I knew it was bad, I still do, but I didn't have the strengths to change it, and to be honest I still don't. 


I'm lucky enough to be in an amazing relationship now, with a man who treats me the way every girl should be treated, and shows me respect and love. He helped me a lot accepting myself, but I still have some efforts to do. He supports me, but there's something missing for me to take the extra step to say "okay this is what I need to do now" or "I'm happy with the way I am". However, I'm now accepting myself and my insecurities. I understood that there are some features you can't change, like your hips for example. I'm very self conscious about my hips, but no matter how much I worked out, they won't disappear. I also accepted the fact that everybody's different, and I only live once, so I better be happy about my life. 


My insecurities come with my anxiety, and I can choose to ignore them, but I can also choose to be aware of them and accept them. Just like anxiety, insecurities don't go away like that, you can fight them all you want, they might show up at your door some other time. I chose to be fully aware of my insecurities, and not let them grow into me. I still compare myself to people, but I accepted the fact that my body is my body and it is unique, just like anybody's. I still have bad eating habits, but I'm working on it.


The reason I'm writing about this particular subject is because the last time I went shopping, I came across this body con dress from Mango. I don't usually go for this style, mainly because I'm so insecure about my hips. But the last time I went shopping, I thought "Why not?", I spent 5 minutes looking at myself in the mirror, and at first I couldn't even look at my reflection, but I eventually did. At the end of the day it's about acceptance, and accepting that some things won't go away just like that, and it's about accepting who you really are. I thought this dress will help me, and it did in some way. Although I'm still not very confortable with my figures, I'm learning, and someday I'll be there.

I hope you liked this post. I apologize for how long this is, but it's a very personal post and I felt I needed to talk about this personal matter.

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I'll see you soon,

Love,

Elsa.

WHAT I'M WEARING:
DRESS: MANGO
BOMBER JACKET: ZARA  
SHOES: CONVERSE
RINGS: AND OTHER STORIES
SUNGLASSES: QUAY AUSTRALIA



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